Monthly Archives: July 2012

my head hurts

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My head hurts. It hurts like I need to cry, and it’s probably because I need to cry. I know why I need to cry, I just don’t want to, not right now. Not right this minute. Maybe in another minute or two.
Just not now.
My dad is dying. Ugh I hate typing that. We are all dying from the moment we are born. Even with that, the dying, the part where you hear from the doctor that there just isn’t anything else that can be done, when they say all we can do is wait. That part is really sad. To hear that even the doctor had a hard time saying goodbye, that breaks my heart. It also makes me shine inside because it reminds me of how important my dad’s life has been. Even in his dying he’s made an impact.
I’m not burying him just yet but I do know that his days of impact are almost over. It’s hard to have an impact when you’re asleep. It’s hard to have an impact when, in your waking hours, you’re simply too tired to put your lips together to speak.
Now I’m crying. Thanks.
I watched him at the table, I saw his eyes as he looked at mom. He wanted badly to answer her questions, but he could not. His brain, his mouth, his breath would not let him. He shook his head and tears came into his eyes. He couldn’t say it but I could see it. I could see he wanted to talk to her until she couldn’t stand another word. He wanted to answer all her questions and ask some of his own. He dropped tears into his already soggy cereal, shoulders hunched and resigned. Too tired to speak. Too tired to think.
“who wants to live like that?”
I’m not sure, I’m not sure anyone WANTS to live like that. I think he’s ready, or almost ready, to go. I know I want to be there when he goes. I want him to look around and for his last vision, his last memory, to be of all of us, all his kids and grandkids, there with him. Surrounded by love as he enters the ultimate love of Father God. I want it to be a nearly seamless transition. I want him to close his eyes to us and open his eyes to glory. What a glory that will be!
I can’t be selfish and wish him anymore time here because time equals misery in these last days. I’m not wishing him away. I’m simply letting go. I see myself with a balloon, it’s got a long long string. I’m holding the very end and the balloon is flying way up high. So high I can hardly see it. I can’t hear the sound of it blowing in the wind. All I can feel with my senses, to know it’s still there, is the gentle tug on my hand. Gently it tugs, wanting to be free. I don’t want to, but I should. I don’t want to, but I will.
But I don’t want to. I don’t want to let go.
oh, my head. It aches so.

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sometimes all it takes is a cute family

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These pictures are of my sister, her hubby and their ADORABLE little guy Thomas.   The more “posed” ones were done in fifteen minutes before they were heading back home after a week vacation with my family and our folks. Enjoy!

He sees his Momma and runs laughing. That my friends is love!

 

Thomas found a ball and bat, we got his “Abba” in on the fun. 

 

Lauren and Thomas sat here so I could “troubleshoot” the location, making sure it would be good for the family shoot I had in mind. Neshika!

 

Lauren posted this picture on facebook and said “my guys are so serious!” . I agree!

 

I wanted to have a fun mommy/daddy kissing moment. This one turned out fairly well I think.

 

The family, year 2012. Love it!

 

manly men, sad men, silly men

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little brother Dave and my dad

 

Little brother Dave and my dad, before the tears.

 

younger brother Jared and my dad, comparing burps.

 

Nephew Austin and his dad, my brother Jared, goofing off.

 

I JUST took these, and haven’t had a chance to really look at them and working on my dads computer. Once I’m home (next week) and have a better chance to see these up close and bigger I’ll post more. For now, enjoy!

Paige

cause baby you’re a firework

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cousins gather around while uncles set off Walmart brand fireworks from a stump in the back yard. Lots of “oohs” and “aaahs” were heard.

cousin Austin plays with a sparkler. Love how it makes him orange like an Oompa Loompa.

More later. For now I’ve got to get shot of the two uncles before they head back to town. They only got two days off’ve work. Times are tough and we appreciate the time we had with them, albeit short but sweet.