There is no schedule for tonight. No one taking the 9-2 and the 2-6 and so on. It’s a quiet house. I have Lily in the apartment with me because I was told we were expecting mom’s sisters arrival this evening. Lily is in a pack in play in what is quite literally, the closet.
Mom is in the house all by herself. I talked to her about drinking enough water, taking her “normal” meds and about NOT staying up. That’s the pot calling the kettle black, the desert calling the sandbox sandy. I stay up when Scott is gone or is working late. I just can’t settle until my eyelids droop and my mind blurs and all that makes sense is for me to sleep. So for me to tell mom to sleep, it’s really ridiculous. And do you see what time it is?
It’s 12:38 in the morning. I know I WAS used to staying up for that shift. I know that sitting next to dad was a wonderful and rewarding job. I was there when he breathed his last. I was searching for a heartbeat, a pulse, feeling for air leaving his mouth. I was the one weeping and praising at once. What an odd sensation that is. Praising God for this lovely life, this beautiful man, because this body in front of me is empty and his soul is in Glory with his Jesus. Mom sang to him “Fly to Jesus, and live”. Oh he is alive now! It’s amazing and wonderful and joyful. You can’t fake this. You can’t manufacture this peace in the midst of heartbreak. You can not. But I know one who can. I know the ONE who gives peace beyond all understanding. I know the ONE who is welcoming my dad to Glory and showing him around. I know that I am NOT ALONE because God is the father to the orphans. I know that mom is NOT ALONE because God is husband to the widow.
This is sad, my dad is gone. 10 days after his 44 year anniversary, just a week before his 63 Birthday. My mom will have to find her new “normal”. She is going to have to learn to walk and talk and breath and live again. They’ve been together since she was 14. She has to learn to live again.
So tonight, as no one stands guard, God is here, catching each tear in a bottle. Never leaving or forsaking us. Always loving us even in our filthy rags. Always here.
Here is there for you too. You may not believe or you may refuse, but He is there, loving you, wishing you’d listen and trust. He’s ever hopeful and desires to see NO MAN perish but for all to have eternal life. My dad, if he could tell you, that while he is dead he LIVES! He lives forever in eternity in Paradise with our Lord and Savior Jesus Messiah.
Dad once said this. “Many people say ‘when I get to heaven I’m going to find my uncle Dave, I’m going to find grandma Pauli, I’m going to talk to Peter and John.’ Not me, when I get to heaven I’m going to spend the first ten thousand years, flat on my face in tears of gratitude , saying ‘thank you, thank you, thank you'”
If you’ll recall, his last words were Sunday morning to my dear sister Lauren as she fed him baby spoons of pudding. He said “Thank you”.