Today I cried in the bathroom at Max and Ermas. I was remembering your head in my hands and how I breathed on you and how my hair took out your oxygen tube but it didn’t matter because what I didn’t realize was, you were already gone. I heard that noise you made, the gurgle. I heard you expel one final breath. I searched frantically for a heart beat, for a pulse. I put my hand in front of your lips to try and feel a breath. I asked mom for a stethoscope and she said “do you think he’s gone?” I said “I don’t know, I can’t feel his heart beat, I can’t find a pulse, I can’t feel his breath.” But you were still warm, so my brain told me you were still there.
Mom came barreling over to you, she said “get out of the way, I’m getting in bed with him.” I asked her right there, with the sobs and ugly cries, “where is all this power coming from? You’ve been so weak and now you’re bossing me around?” She said “I want to be with him. It’s what I always wanted.” She got in bed with you. I kept feeling around trying to feel your heart beating. She said you were gone, she could tell, and for me to tell her what time it was. I looked at the clock, it was 12:46 a.m. I told her that. She told me to write it down. I wrote it down. She sobbed. Oh how she loves you! She loves you and you loved her well. You loved her because Christ first loved YOU and loved HER and showed you how to love her and everyone else around you.
Today was hard. It was rainy and cloudy. Add my S.A.D. to the loss of you and it was a hard day. I didn’t wake up until 10:30. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I am looking forward to getting home just so I can sleep. I want to pack this up and call it a day. But I can’t. I have to walk through this. You walked through this and I’m going to walk through this. I love you daddy. I always have and I always will. You are the first man I ever kissed and the first man I wanted to marry and the first man to tell me you loved me.
Always and forever your daughter,