two weeks ago, at this moment in time

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Daddy, it’s been two weeks since you went home to heaven. It’s been two weeks of my being stunned, sad and missing you so much. Last night was hard, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell asleep in Scott’s arms. I told you I was going to be okay. I told you I would make him take care of me. He is dad, he is.

This morning I was up and about but was slammed with tiredness and sadness. Again I lay in Scott’s arms, sobbing, and then quietly sleeping. I had the strangest dream. I saw you in that dream. You were driving me and a few others into a city where I would need my I.D. in order to be accepted. You knew the way.

I know dreams are weird, but I also know this dream meant something. You have gone before me. You know the way. You have shown me the way. I do need a “pass” of sorts, in that I need my name in the Lambs Book of Life in order to go into that city. We all need someone to show us the way. We all have a God shaped hole in our hearts but we also all need someone to tell us, to show us and to LOVE us even in our icky sticky sin.

You were that for me dad. Thank you for loving me, thank you for being my friend AND my father. Thank you for praying for me and for praying for Scott, praying that he would take care of me.    He is.

Two weeks ago, I held your head in my hands, I dropped big fat tears on your face and chest. I pulled your oxygen  mask off with my hair (on accident) I searched and searched for your heart beat, for your pulse, for your breath. There was none. You were gone.

 

I’ve seen movies where the actress/actor kiss the “dead” and thought “why do that, don’t they know they are gone? It’s just a shell!”

But I kissed you. I kissed you and stroked your hair and told you how beautiful you are. I did that for an hour or more after the real you was long gone.  I fixed your hair and washed your body before you were wrapped up for the funeral home. Later I fixed your hair and did your make up. I know YOU weren’t there, but it was still the body that I loved. The daddy that I loved and that loved me for 39 years.

This is why I am somber, why today was hard. I knew, that just two weeks ago as Lauren was cleaning the room, and as the hospice nurse came for the last time, that THAT was my last day with you. Even though you didn’t wake up. Even though you only made noise when we cleaned you. I know now that that day, two weeks ago was my last day on earth with you. I know now that exactly two weeks ago this minute, mom said “tell me what time it is, I need to know when he passed” was the time we marked as your passing over into eternity. Oh dad I am so glad for YOU and so sad for us. So sad that we are all left with pieces and parts and quotes and memories and now we’ve got to put this puzzle back  together to honor you and more importantly honor our heavenly Father. I miss you dad. I miss you bad. But I will see you again. Not yet, not right this minute, but I will see you again.  We aren’t held by “till death do us part” like married folk are, like Scott and me. Daddies and their little girls and boys can be their little girls and boys even after this earth has passed away.

Until then, always your girl.

Paige

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